Millennial women grapple with the role of the 'oldest daughter' in Korean society

Film 'Move the Grave' 2019

Article: The reason people say "I feel bad for mothers without daughters"

Source: Oh My News via Naver

Article talks about the perception of the role of being the 'oldest daughter' in a patriarchal society and the expectations put on these women to hold up and support their families at their expense. More millennial women are coming forward with stories of being 'emotional trash cans', forced emotional labor, and the stress of being trapped in such a role, and their journey to finding their true selves.

1. [+2,396, -88] I'm the oldest daughter... as well as a mother to two sons myself. Much of this is upheld by my own parents. They expect their daughters to be there for them to depend on, lean on... while they give all of their emotional support to the sons. Parents only claim they want daughters out of their own selfishness.

2. [+1,337, -136] I'm the oldest daughter with one younger brother. When I was younger, I was expected to listen to all of my mother's complaints while taking care of my brother. I didn't realize it then but now that I'm older, I see that I was just an 'emotional trash can'. I suddenly didn't want to listen to her complaints anymore. My mother never listened to me and expected me to listen to her~ so I told her that I don't want her to talk to me about my father or grandmother. It's not like I can solve any of her problems, and I just don't want to hear about it anymore.

3. [+785, -44] People who brag about daughters being the best, how they're best friends with their daughter... it may all sound like praise but it's verbal violence. Most of the mothers who say this stuff usually have a poor relationship with their husbands. They take out all of their problems with their husbands on their daughter. Daughters are then forced to feel responsible for their mother, to feel guilt, and because they're daughters, they're expected to continue to listen to these complaints and internalize their struggles to themselves. Mothers take this for granted. Some mothers even get jealous when their daughters eventually grow up to be independent and live happy married lives away from them. To all of the selfish mothers out there, please stop complaining about your lives to your daughters. Keep your marital issues to yourselves. Parents need to learn to be happy on their own.

4. [+802, -142] The first borns of any gender have it hardest, period. I'm not only the oldest daughter but the oldest grandchild and the only female grandchild on my mother's side. The oldest is expected to uphold all of the family's traditions and is placed with more responsibilities. Men are then expected to take the patriarchal role and be financially responsible for the family as well. Women take the role of child rearing. It's hard for any gender of the oldest role and there's no point in arguing which gender has it the hardest. Let's not try to make it a competition.

5. [+287, -5] I always hope to become a parent that doesn't depend on my children. I do have a daughter but I don't take it kindly when people tell me about how it's so necessary to have at least one daughter in the family. Whether I have a son or daughter, it's my responsibility to lead them into adulthood the best I can. I shouldn't be expecting to depend on them in my retirement. Don't depend on your children. If your child plays well with their siblings, that's something to be grateful for, not to take for granted. If your child grows up to be helpful to you, that's something to be grateful for, not to take for granted.

6. [+253, -6] Daughters and sons, it all comes down to the individual in the end

7. [+245, -42] It's always the elderly who overstep boundaries when you tell them you have two daughters and they're like "oh no, what're you going to do without a son?" or "it'll be perfect if you have one more son".

8. [+120, -2] There's that old saying that the first daughter is the foundation of the housework of the family... Imagine how overworked daughters were in our society that such a saying even exists? First daughters were expected to take care of all of their younger siblings and miss out on college to support their oppas in higher education... That was my mother's generation... and... I have hope that things can change with our generation...

9. [+140, -23] Mothers of only sons have probably always heard someone say "I feel bad for mothers without daughters". They don't seem to realize that the daughters of today's generation are not the same daughter's of the last generation. They are no longer responsible to bear the weight of their mother's emotional suffering. Daughters today are allowed to ask their mothers for help in spreading their dreams. This article is no longer relevant to our society.

10. [+120, -4] I have two sons and my mother-in-law always told me that she feels bad for me because I don't have a daughter. But now that she's in retirement age, she wishes to live with her son because she finds her son-in-law uncomfortable ㅋㅋ what the?

11. [+116, -6] I hate it when people say this as well. It's a culture that fails to view each person as a unique individual and views them instead as tools. This applies to both genders, and I think the article is right to point out this issue.

12. [+110, -10] Have any of you ever heard an oppa being told to make food for his female dongsaeng? You always only hear about female dongsaengs being ordered to make food for their oppa.

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